Now there's something you don't see every day

Remember what we talked about one Frisky Friday, how the vulva is a many-splendored thing? Check this out: Changing female body image through art.

No need to start a pussy riot, no vaginas were harmed in the making of this exhibition, they are all in fact vulvas. An important distinction, granted, but we'll let him off the hook, won't we, sweetie darlings? His intentions are good. 

“For many women their genital appearance is a source of anxiety and I was in a unique position to do something about that.” ~Jamie McCartney

She-bop

When I held the XXX-mas giveaway last December, I put up a poll where I asked how satisfied are you with your sex life. Almost half of the votes landed in the last category, "What sex life?". It wasn't a trick question, but I later realized that I was in fact implying that to have a satisfactory sex life, you had to be having partnered sex, when in fact we all have a sex life. Sometimes the only sex we're having is with ourselves. Now there's a till-death-do-you-part relationship worth cherishing and cultivating since it is a life sentence.

We are born sexual beings and we die sexual beings. Some life stages see more one-on-one action than others, but sexual health remains a component of overall health, right up there with diet and exercise, throughout our lives. The strength of the drive varies from person to person, and even within the lifespan of an individual, your sexuality, your likes and dislikes, change and evolve. Nothing is mandatory when it comes to sex. There is no to-do list. But I can't think of a better way of keeping up with your body than keeping in touch with it, hands-on. Exploring how you respond and react, learning how you like to be touched, what turns you on. In that area, you should be expert, the authority.

But it's not just you and your hand anymore, you're in a relationship, you say? Congratulations! But that's an altogether different relationship, one I hope is not interfering with the one you have going with yourself, and I'd hate for that connection to be severed. I'm glad if you're having hot sex with someone eight days a week, but it's not like you're cheating on them if you go for a tug or rub one out every now and then. More like you're being unfaithful to yourself if you never do!

Statistics indicate that up to 89 per cent of women and 95 per cent of men masturbate. It's not a substitute for sex but a foundation on which you build, through life. A complement, a supplement, even while you're having hot sex with someone eight days a week. I hope they make you happy and you make them happy too, but I also hope you don't exist for each other in the sense that you're each others only source of joy, happiness, or pleasure. That's not love, that's codependency.

I submit to you that it's hard to be a masterful lover if you haven't mastered the art of self-love. If you're uncomfortable with yourself, how could you be comfortable with someone else? If you find no pride or pleasure in your body, do you expect to feel it in someone else's hands? If you can't give yourself an orgasm, is it fair to expect someone else to give you one?

Sorry about the Spanish Inquisition. There certainly has been enough of that to go around through the ages. Even the ancient Egyptians, Romans and Sumerians were more enlightened in these matters. And then the Church Fathers decided God hates wankers. Doctors joined the hate parade. In the introduction to Mark Twain's essay on masturbation, there's a passage from a century-old medical text clearly condemning self-stimulation as self-abuse, a sin worse than theft that destroys both body and soul and paves the way for diseases and mental disorder leading to suicide. Victorians may have treated female hysteria by getting women off, but men wasting their life force were offered pills, chastity belts, and clamps and cages sure to make men writhe, and I don't mean in pleasure. A mere century ago.

Fast forward to 1971 when The Sex Book: A Modern Pictorial Encyclopedia by Goldstein, Haeberle and McBride boldly stated that masturbation was and is the most common form of sexual activity. No one was struck by lightning. The sky didn't fall or the seas rise. Forty years ago. Only forty years ago. It boggles the mind my generation is the first guilt and shame free generation in a very long time, if they choose to be. It pains me to think of all the kids growing in a culture or within a religious community that applies the ostrich logic or openly maligns self-pleasuring as a one-way ticket to hell, illness and insanity.

Myths, taboos, old wives' tales, prejudices and warnings associated with the awful consequences of masturbation still linger. At the very least, it's a selfish act. Before you know it, you're watching porn or reading those trashy, filthy books, erotic romances, all day, or both!, while your balls shrink and hair falls out, and besides only nasty, dirty teens do it. The. Horror.

You are entitled to your opinion, religious groups to their beliefs and cultures to their norms, but doctors had a change of heart after some extensive research into the matter. Modern medicine men and psychologists have come to the consensus that masturbation is not only healthy, it comes with health benefits.

Unless you're up to something illegal or unsanitary, it's the safest sex you'll ever have. Maybe you're abstaining from partnered sex, maybe you're in between partners, maybe you're not ready for penetrative sex. The itch still needs to get scratched. Release brings relief without the risk of pregnancy or STDs and helps you familiarize yourself with your body, be comfortable in your own skin. You'll be glad you did when it's time to partner up and get it on.

You'll understand your responses and responsiveness better and that can only improve your performance. If you're a sprinter looking to run a marathon, or vice versa, masturbation can help increase stamina and manage delayed ejaculation. Practice makes perfect.

Masturbation is a natural way of combating insomnia, anxiety, pain and stress. Upon arousal, epinephrine levels spike. Another feelgood hormone, dopamine, runs riot on your way to orgasm, and the calming hormones oxytocin and endorphin grant us that sweet afterglow. Other beneficial side-effects of release: the release of cortisol, a hormone which regulates the body's immune system. Masturbation boosts your mood and your metabolism. The more satisfied you are with your sex life, solo or partnered, the more likely you are to enjoy life and good health.

Gentlemen! Regular release keeps the prostate in shape by cleaning out the plumbing. Not a foolproof prevention technique, but a pleasurable way of lowering the risk.

Ladies! Have you ever felt the urge to masturbate when you felt a UTI coming on? Don't fight it, the body knows what it needs, and what it needs is for you to listen to it. Female masturbation provides protection against cervical infections. Orgasming opens up the cervix and the increased friendly bacteria produced move old fluids from the cervix into the vagina. You're not only being lubricated, you're flushing out possibly unfriendly bacteria that can cause infections. Orgasms also strengthen the pelvic floor by giving the entire region a workout during orgasm.

The bad news: with age, vaginal walls thin and become drier due to a decrease in estrogen. It can result in cracks and tears, which in turn can make you susceptible to bacterial infections. Urination and intercourse can become painful, sometimes impossible. Vaginal atrophy can become a problem after or even during menopause. The good news: older women are just as able to become aroused as younger women are. Masturbation keeps the blood circulation in the genitals going strong, strengthens those thinning walls via pelvic workouts and lubricates the vagina.

Many women find that masturbation alleviates premenstrual tension. In a number of studies, women who experienced more orgasms, alone or with a partner, displayed greater resistance to coronary heart disease and type-2 diabetes. A cause for celebration, surely.

Mind, body, and soul. Now there's a holy trinity well worth cultivating since you're stuck with them for life. Leaving even one of them out of the equation leaves you wanting. Each component needs nourishment, each deserves attention and respect, and every single one of them promises pleasure and fulfillment. As long as you take pride in and honor them all, equally.

Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is a self-love date with yourself. Do whatever brings you the most pleasure, as long as it involves the emotional, the intellectual and the physical level. Together or separate, your choice. You're the expert of you. Do whatever you feel would strengthen your relationship with yourself. Confidence is sexy. So is self-awareness of the calm, collected kind. Go get connected.

Lonnie Barbach (2000, 1976). For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality

Betty Dodson (1996). Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. 

Martha Cornog (2003). The Big Book of Masturbation: From Angst to Zeal.

Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores and Whipple (2006). The Science of Orgasm. 

Thomas W Laqueur (2003). Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation.

Planned Parenthood Federation of America (2002). The White Paper. Masturbation. From Stigma to Sexual Health.

Joann Ellison Rodgers (2003). Sex: A Natural History.

Mark Twain (2009, 1879). Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism.

Objects of desire

High time for another installment of Frisky Friday, don't you think? I think we'd pick up where we left off and talk fetishes. No, don't go! If you've read even one of my FF posts, you know this may very well concern you, too. Spice up your sex life. Give food for thought, at the very least.

But when I said fetish, you saw a dude in latex licking lady-toe like mad. Some of you did, admit it. Because admittedly, the more mainstream the imagery has become (see e.g.: every other music video these days), the more exposure even the most hardcore branches have gotten and the more misunderstandings have ensued.

The thing is that when it comes to fetishes, everybody has one, or two, or a few. The problem is that when the word comes up, others often follow, words such as bizarre, deviant, taboo, perverted, kinky. Fetishism, like so many other sex-related terminology (see: post on porn), has become a blanket term for everything from a clinical condition where your sole source of sexual stimulus/satisfaction is sucking that toe/watching someone suck toe/thinking about sucking of said toe to the simple fact you find feet the most erotic part of the human anatomy.

A sexual fetish is a fixation ranging in degree from playful to paraphilic on a body part (e.g. breasts), an object (e.g. a bra), a medium (lace), an individual (lingerie model) or situation (insert favorite fantasy starring lingerie model) that is a prerequisite for your arousal. But since anything can and has been eroticized, is it any wonder the word fetish comes with baggage of the overweight kind.

Let's rummage through that case, shall we? First item, a prominent one: clothing. There are loads of clothes in that bag, Special Mention: shoes, uniforms and lingerie, leather and latex, and transvestic items. We could of course wear most anything that protects us from the elements. But most of us pay attention to things like colors and textures and tailoring, fabric and feel and function. Fashion. We dress to impress and we dress to attract. We emphasize and exaggerate. Some garments we simply find pleasing, some a pleasure, on ourselves or on others. Underwear, high-heeled boots, gloves, tight skirts, short skirts, military apparel, stretch fabrics...

Next to come out of that case: body parts. Partialism is an intense focus on a specific body part, a part some find as or even more sexually attractive as the genitals. So lots of hands, fingers and fingernails in that case. Plenty of legs and feet. Lips, breasts and buttocks, too. Many overlooked erogenous parts feature: the navel and knees, ears and armpits.

What else have we got in there? Hair, or lack thereof. Many a woman fancy a hairy chest or a shaved head. Many a man drool over certain hair colors, lengths or dos. For some, it's all about tattoos or body piercings. For others, it's an age thing, the knowledge they are much older or younger than you are. Some find there is no turn-on greater than a certain shape or size; a really tiny/large woman, a truly muscled man, a pregnant belly.

Impregnating that belly. Exhibitionism, voyeurism. Power play. Authority figures. (Which brings us really close to a related issue, BDSM, which deserves a post or seven all its own.) Sexual arousal may occur from anything. Anything can travel in that bag. But that anything is such a subjective, personal issue, it can be hard to understand why your turn-off is someone's turn-on, or why not everyone finds pleasure in the things you do.

Who's holding that bag? Someone for whom fetishes replace true intimacy and/or cause distress. Someone for whom fetishism is an integral part of their sexual identity. Someone for whom fetishes are a casual prop, an occasional spice, a playful form of intimacy and variety. Most everyone has some setup, person, personality trait or body part that turns them on more than any other they can imagine. Some have fun with it in the bedroom, alone or with their partners. It can be something so simple not everyone acknowledges it for what it is. It can be something you consider so atypical, extreme even, you'd never tell a soul what it is.

We agree, mehopes, that taste is a subjective issue. What lies within the boundaries of normal (now there's a word I find disturbing) sexuality varies not only by individual but time and place as well. Yesterday's horror is tomorrow's ho-hum. Don't be too hard on yourself. So your fetish borders on the unconventional (one of my favorite words). If it doesn't affect your life or relationships, if you're not hurting anyone with it, physically or emotionally, it should be a source of pleasure, not shame!

Sex is too important to be left drifting in the fogs of confusion and misunderstanding. It's a positive, pleasurable thing, is it not? At its best, sex is not only a source of physical satisfaction but a window, an exploration into your psyche, relationships and relationship patterns. Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give it a think. Is there a certain type of person/personality you find especially attractive? Certain settings or scenarios you find super arousing? Specific body parts or paraphernalia that really turn you on? What lies at the root of them...that's not necessarily for me to know, only you to find out. I hope it helps you understand your preferences better. I hope it helps you enjoy sex and your sexuality more.

Until next time, dearest denizens! Keep thinking sexy thoughts.

Undisclosed desires

Sex with a stranger/celebrity/friend. Sex with two or more partners. Sex with another woman (if you're a woman). Sex with another man (if you're a man). Roleplay. Dominating/being dominated by your partner. Light BDSM. Voyeurism. Exhibitionism. Exotic locations. The stuff erotic novels and sexual fantasies are made of.

Some dream factories churn out produce on an industrial scale (hello author friends!), some are more moderate in their output, but everyone fantasizes about something at some point. Psychologist Brett Kahr anonymously surveyed 18,000 Brits and Americans about their sexual fantasies and found that nine out of ten people have them. The remaining tenth person? Probably too embarrassed to fess up.

Sexual fantasies have to be the most common expression and form of experiencing sexuality. They're also a highly personal and individual thing and thus one of the most hush-hush. The shame and guilt they arouse in some is unnecessary albeit understandable. Any situation or object can be eroticized, turned into a fetish, but for the longest time any "kinky" or "strange" fantasies were considered pathologic, especially in women. (Remember our discussion about Hysteria, vibrators and masturbation? Yeah.)

Free sexual expression and enjoyment is not a universal idea or ideal. In too many parts of the world, sexual fantasies are for historical, cultural, religious, heteronormative, erotophobic and what have you reasons still strictly taboo, corruptive thoughts brought to you if not by Beelzebub himself then something abnormal and twisted in you. Is it any wonder that's what your brain may scream when certain thoughts cross your mind: This is wrong. I'm wrong, right? No, you're curious and imaginative and tapping into the positive life force that is your sexuality. Not fantasizing is the aberration.

I want to address one popular theme, being dominated/forced seduction, because it's so baffling to the Average Joe. I'm befuddled as to why because Joe fantasizes about being dominated, too. An independent, strong modern woman wants to be dominated. Well Joe, when you carry your own weight alongside caring for others, when you are sensible and responsible and dependable 24/7, giving up all control is a very tempting, titillating fantasy. That is not where we'd like to end up, but that's where we sometimes go to take a break from the demands of daily life. And Joe, even in a forced seduction scenario, it's not about you. It's not about getting hurt or being humiliated. It's about safely handing over control, submitting while being in total control. I know. It's complicated. People are complex. Tastes, themes and motivations vary. So Joe, above all, respectfulness. Always, okay?

Where were we? Yes. Popular themes. Just as you fantasize about the naughty and nice things you'd love to do with your partner, one of your partner's favorite fantasies is you. Things you've done in the past and they like to revisit, things they dream of doing to you, with you, in the future. If you've fallen into a rut, if you feel your sex life is lacking in variety, sharing a fantasy is a great way to spice up things.

But first you have to open your mouth and put it out there, and that's a scary prospect. It's one of those moments when you realize you don't know everything there is to know about your partner, and they don't know all about you. You face rejection and/or ridicule. What if what you find stimulating turns them off? What if their favorite fantasy is your worst nightmare? "You want (me) to do what?" I think the most important thing to remember when introducing a fantasy is to treat your partner as a full participant, not a prop. Make it about what you could experience and enjoy together, a mutual fantasy, not just what you want. Of course you can agree to try out something only because your partner asked. Who knows? You may be happily surprised, find a new favorite.

But I wouldn't want anyone to do anything against their will, especially if it involves inviting other people into the bedroom. If it disturbs you, scares you or makes you uncomfortable, do not do it. If your partner says no, don't push it. If you agree to try out something you're not one hundred percent sure about, reserve the right to stop at any point and make sure everyone is on the same page. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, physically or emotionally.

Also, if your fantasies are becoming compulsive in nature, if fantasizing is the only way you get aroused/off with your partner, if your mind is always somewhere else with someone else, do stop to think about what's going on. If your partner has no role in certain fantasies, I don't see the point of sharing them. Hmmm. Unless it's a particular brand of verbal foreplay you both enjoy. Anyhow, it's the difference between your partner telling you s/he fantasizes about watching you having sex with X and you telling them you fantasize about sex with X. You know what I mean?

Certain fantasies may have to remain in the realm of erotic films, fiction and your imagination, perfectly fine and safe substitutes and outlets, mind you. Some fantasies may get lost in translation and disappoint. You gave it a try, it was okay but not great, moving on. Let's face it, you can do pretty much anything you like in a fantasy, things you would never manage/dare in real life. That's the whole point, so there are apt to be disappointments. S'okay. It happens.

Should you feel guilty you fantasize about sex with X even when you really really love your partner and would never in a million years have sex with X even if the opportunity offered itself? I don't see why. I don't believe there's a soul out there whose mind's eye hasn't wandered at least once. After all, fantasies are a great way to fire desire. So you had a fleeting thought about X. If you're going home with Y and gladly so, why worry?

For a deeper understanding of this Extremely Private & Incredibly Common phenomenon, consult e.g.
Michael Bader: Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies
Nancy Friday: Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age; Forbidden Flowers; My Secret Garden
Brett Kahr: Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies
Stanley Siegel: Your Brain on Sex
Your partner
Your psyche

Have fun, dearest denizens, and keep thinking sexy thoughts. Everyone else is.

See you tomorrow

In the works

Undisclosed desires, or, where did a nice girl like you get a naughty idea like that, aka my Frisky Friday post on sexual fantasies.

Postponed due to a conglomeration of adverse weather conditions, logistical challenges and a meniscus on the mend, aka yours truly madly deeply playing mom, dad, chauffeur, cook, janitor, nurse, and anything else you'd care to imagine but can't help with.

Going live Friday the 27th, aka a week from now, same time, same bat-crazy channel. Until then, think sexy thoughts. (And don't you dare deny you have them because I've done my homework; I just have to get my notes and thoughts in order.)

XXX-mas poll and giveaway

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... I am, I am! The sun now rises way after nine and sets at three, what snow we've gotten has melted, and it has been the rainiest December in fifty years. [Last month was the warmest November in fifty years. We've been breaking weather records almost every season. A coincidence? I think not.] Dark and desolate? Definitely. So someone send some snow to lighten and brighten things up. Pronto. Please. But not as much as last year or the year before that. There is no need to exaggerate. We'd be quite content with the golden mean. Thanks.

The last seven days in seventy words: had a lovely wedding anniversary, Christmas shopping done, cards sent, menu set, deadlines met, saw three dudes pull off every Shakespeare play in two hours, the full moon was beau-ti-ful, oldest was really sick one day and fine the next, again, (seriously, the child is übermenschlich), youngest is up all night with growth pains, again, (that child will grow up to be ten feet tall), and my niece was born!

Now...now I think it's time to wrap up this year's Frisky Fridays. I haven't done polls or giveaways here at the Den, and you've been such good sports, visited and commented, so what do you say, dearest denizens, how about we send off 2011 with a bang and a whimper and do both?! They're not interlinked. You don't have to vote to enter. You can vote and skip the contest. Naughty or nice, every adult on the planet is eligible.

You'll find the simple XXX-mas poll question at the top of the right-hand column. If everyone's happy, my work here is done. If not, maybe some more Frisky Fridays are in order in 2012. Want an Ellora's Cave Romantica Publishing $20 gift card too/instead? Let me know by leaving a working email addy (working!, not stuffed to capacity, better luck next time) in comments, or by dropping me a line at ms[dot]ditaparker[at]gmail[dot]com (subject line: XXX-mas giveaway), and on January first, I'll let random.org decide and off shopping you go!

Okay! I think that's all for now. Spread the word. That gift card, if you hit the Vault, buys you up to twenty (20!) ebooks. Or would you prefer a Cavemen 2012 Calendar and some recent releases? You decide, I provide.

Ah, it is better to give than to receive. Which reminds me... But that's none of your business, sweetie darlings. Now shoo, go make someone happy, and yourself in the process. Oh, and if you know a really good shaman, ask for snow!!!

Girls on film

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If you don't know me by now

I've been having the weirdest dreams this week. Weird weird weird. It's also been a productive week, which is nice. I've known the other variety, too. I've been thinking a lot about last year and last fall lately and how maybe it's not a surprise that the Romantica I submitted, rewrote and still couldn't get right didn't work out. I'm absolutely astonished I managed to write anything at all, all emotion one minute, feeling nothing the next just to stop the hurting, even for a second, as I was. Some of the stuff I do profitted from the detachment, other areas suffered a severe blow. Turned out I'm not Superwoman. Imagine my surprise.

Ah, sweetie darlings, we are all just troubled souls, aren't we, swimming in an ocean of illusion, dead calm on the surface, violent currents underneath. How can I say that? I don't know you, you say? I know how you feel. [Look into my eyes.] I know how you feel. [Look into my eyes.] I know how you feel. [Not around the eyes. The eyes.] 

I know how you feel.

What the hell?

I'm hypnotising you into forgetting it's Frisky Friday. It's not working, is it? (And did I promise to post every Friday? I can't check if I did. It'll drive me to drink if I did, and now is not a good time, seriously.) I know what you're thinking. I didn't have time to write a post, right? Wrong. I started writing about porn, one thing led to another as it often does, and before I knew it I had written some seven thousand words instead of seven hundred and oops.

It's the curse of the multidisciplinary mind. It ain't funny. It's a curse. A curse! It has you wishing you had a spare brain or two, 72 hours in a day, a desert island and an extra month all to yourself so you could read and write and read and write and try it out and try it again because that's how you make sense of life the universe and everything, and that you could live to two hundred because there's so much to do and look into and try to understand, too much!, in one lifetime. What a fascinating world we live in, dearest denizens. Fantastic! And people, OMG, people are the best, and relationships better than best, and what about sex? None of us would be here if it weren't for that drive!! Brilliant!!!

So I got a little carried away as I'm wont to do in my pathology and have stuff enough for ten blog posts about pornography, and maybe one day we'll look into those one interesting tidbit at a time, but first I need to sift through the thing, choose a POV, my position (but I want all positions!), and write a focused, coherent post about porn, not a Theory of Everything. And I've only started looking for No-Performers-Were-Scarred-For-Life-While-Making-This-Movie movies for your viewing pleasure, because there's porn and then there's porn, and if you'd like visual stimulation beyond what reflects from the mirrors around the house you should be getting some, but not just any ol' crap.

I'll dig up some suggestions for next Friday. When some of you will be elbow-deep in turkey and gravy. Well, The Rest of The World won't be. Everyone is equally welcome to join and pitch in when Frisky Friday ventures into the world of adult movies. Same time, same bat-crazy channel. Until then, if you can't be good, be careful, okay. And keep thinking those sexy thoughts.

The choice is yours

I love my job. I love Hubby's job, too. I wouldn't survive it for a minute. Then again, he couldn't write to save his life. He wouldn't stop as long as his heart beat in his chest, though. He would die trying, my hot man from the cold.

His hours are far from conventional, and that's okay. In fact, it's a bonus. We've had a steamy office romance going for as long as I've worked from home. What? Tsk. As if you wouldn't take advantage of the situation. Born to be mild or wild, moaner/screamer/do you want to get arrested, you would if you had kids and the constant prospect of interruption that comes with the package.

But the surest way to put out a fire is to deprive it of oxygen. So tonight I'll step out for some air and spend the evening with two women I'm absolutely demented about, women who love me as Hubby does, for me, women I love, admire and respect with all my heart.

You can't be all things to one person. No one person will ever fulfill all your needs. Expect that and set yourself up for disappointment. I wouldn't survive doing what Hubby does because I haven't got and never will have the skills and knack for it. I don't understand half of what it involves. It doesn't mean I can't be interested in what he does, appreciative of the fact that it's his chosen profession, thankful someone's at it because it can be stressful and demanding and laden with responsibility. 

What I'm truly grateful for is that he has people who understand exactly what he's talking about if he needs to talk about it with someone, and that I have people to unload to so I don't have to dump it all at his feet and watch his gaze glaze over as I talk shop. It takes nothing away from what we have together. If anything, it adds a very important layer to the relationship, one I consider all-important, the one where we belong together, yes, but where we don't belong to one another, exist for one another, are the other's only reason to live.

Marriage, or any other serious relationship, say friendship, is such a paradox. It's supposed to be a source of joy and enjoyment. So why does it sometimes feel like so much work? Where's the fun? Wasn't it supposed to be fun and fulfilling? Here's a thought: It's all of that, too. Chances are you're not married/friends for money, security, convenience or any other particular reason other than you choose to be. You want to be. 

And nothing requires more strength of will and determination than something you choose to do of your own volition. That's why marriage, and friendship, can sometimes feel like so much work. It's a choice you have to make every day. And unless you are absolutely free to make that decision, unless you have choices and you choose them above all others, you can't commit yourself heart, body and soul.

Told you. A paradox. Sorry if I lost you. My intentions are, as always, good; doubly so on a Frisky Friday. Feel free to comment, dissent, nod in agreement. Just promise you'll think about it, and that you won't be too upset with me if I don't immediately get back to you, because tonight yours truly madly deeply and partners in crime will burn this town.

Say it with a kiss

Osculation, "the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction,"* smooching, snogging, the prelude, interlude and postlude of platonic, romantic and erotic encounters alike. Kissing. You can't write a romance novel without some, and it's impossible to imagine a romantic relationship, any close relationship really, without any.

I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.  
~Jonathan Swift

Well, Jonathan, since you asked, Mother Nature. Kissing may well have evolved from the mouth-to-mouth feeding practices of primate mothers who chewed food for their young. Or/and Mother Nature saw it fit for the process of mate selection, because as philematologists** will tell you, a kiss is not just a kiss. It's a complex, multi-sensory exchange of information by way of taste, smell, touch and pheromones. You are not aware of it while at it, but you're in fact tonsil-deep in exploration for clues not only into another person's genetic makeup but the current status and future of your relationship.

A man's kiss is his signature. 
~Mae West

Biologist Claus Wedekind found that the more different a man's genetic code immune system is from a woman's, the more attractive, or unatractive, she will find him. How do women detect those proteins? Via a man's scent and taste. Which explains the inexplicable, i.e. why some people turn you off the minute you kiss them. Fifty-nine percent of men and 66 percent of women say they have ended a budding relationship because of a bad kiss.***

Before I take out all the romance out of something very romantic, kissing is more than nature's reproductive litmus test. The messages it carries to your brain evoke an euphoric response you can feel from head to toe. Dopamin, serotonin and oxytocin all rush through you, raising your heart rate, dilating your blood vessels, sharpening the senses and your desire, elevating your mood and making you borderline obssessively focused on and attached to your partner. It's not only lust that kissing propagates, it's love.

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. 
~Rene Yasenek

Kissing is a good indicator of how your relationship is doing. Says evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup: "In an established relationship, the frequency of kissing is a good barometer as to its status. If it's no longer featured prominently or is entirely absent, there's a much higher probability that the relationship is in trouble." Kissing is an act of flirtation and foreplay, it's an expression of caring and tenderness, it conveys love and desire. It can be soft, slow, long and tentative, it can be hard, take-charge, deep and urgent. You won't remember each and every one, but you will remember the first one. And when there are none to be had, they are sorely missed.

So. Sex drive (ruled by testosterone), romantic love (ruled by dopamine) and attachment (involving bonding chemicals like oxytocin). Anthropologist Helen Fisher says kissing evolved to fulfill all of these three needs. Customs, styles and techniques abound, but the need to kiss appears universal. More than 90 percent of known cultures kiss romantically. It brings lovers closer together, it inspires artists, it's a language that transcends time and borders.

Soul meets soul on lovers' lips.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, Prometheus Unbound

I did save the best news for last, meaning that of course you don't have to consider science or worry about tomorrow while kissing. All you have to do is let nature take its course and enjoy the joyride. Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to kiss with a vengeance. Write a sonet with your lips on theirs. Write a symphony with your mouth all over their body. Easy on the teeth and tonsils, okay? Going straight to tonguing and thrusting can be an explosive, spontaneous encounter, but try working up to it if you can. Vary your approach, the place and your pace. Brush with your lips. Brush with your tongue. Suck gently. Suck intensely. Explore. The only limit is your imagination.

Sweet smooching!

"A kiss is one of the most potent stimulants that a man or woman can indulge in...and is more intoxicating than strong wine."
~Sheikh Nefzawi, The Perfumed Garden

* Dr. Henry Gibbons
** scientists who study kissing
*** research conducted by Gordon Gallup of the University of Albany

Assume the asana*

Technically, it's still Friday, so how about we strike a pose, dearest denizens, and go at it from every angle with another Frisky Friday! Ready? Assume the position.

What do you say to a guy who tells you that monogamy is beyond him, it's like eating the same meal every single day? A man who brags about the high frequency and amount of his conquests (proof he is a Great Lover, as if quantity has anything to do with quality) and that his married friends are missing out? All I could think of was he had to be really bad in bed. Of course I didn't say that to his face, but I did say something to the effect that obviously he didn't know how to cook.

You don't need a hundred cooks, you only need a hundred recipes, tried and true, for a versatile, satisfying diet. That applies to the bedroom as well as the kitchen, Casanova. But I know it's easy to fall into a rut, rotate the same few recipes because you can do it with your eyes closed/the lights out, you're in a hurry, you don't have the time or the inclination to start learning new ones.

If they're your favorite could-eat-this-and-nothing-else-for-the-rest-of-my-days recipes, go for it. Enjoy! But if you feel like trying out something new and different every once in a while but are not quite sure how, that's where cookbooks and sex manuals alike come in handy. The problem: we are spoiled for choice. So where do you go for sound but sexy advice? Which sexpert do you listen to with everything from the classics such as the Kama Sutra to specifics like The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus/Fellatio and The Best Illustrated and Most Innovative Step-By-Step Guide for a Pleasurable Path to Anal Sex to choose from? Where do you start?

My suggestion: start with the classics and progress to the specifics if and when you feel like it. There's a good reason the Kama Sutra ("the science of pleasure") is a classic. It's known as a sex manual, but it's more than a how-to handbook. Only a small part of its text is devoted to technique, the rest is erotic wisdom. It does give practical instructions on how to use different sexual positions to lend variety to lovemaking, but it's also about the senses and intimacy and sensuality, it deals with foreplay and seduction, and above all mutual pleasure, something lost on our loverboy from the beginning of the post, focused on satisfying his own needs as he was.

The text may be 2,000 years old but it's strikingly modern in it's treatment of and approach to the sexes, so don't write if off as so last millennium and counting. Times may have changed but the human body has not and for example the sections on genital size are very helpful if he's too large/small for you, or if she's too small/wide. (The Kama Sutra separates men into three types according to the size of their penis and women into three categories depending on the depth of their vagina.) The bad news: some unions are more satisfying than others. The good news: there are highly pleasurable ways to work around this. The Kama Sutra recommends positions for every possible union, something anyone who's ever suffered discomfort during sex can appreciate.

Depth and angle can make all the difference if you or your partner have any sort of physical limitation, say a disability or you're pregnant. If sex causes pain or discomfort of any kind, for any reason, it tends to limit the repertoire of sex positions and it forces you to get creative when having sex. Again, a manual can point you in the right direction when you search for what yields the most pleasure and the best results.

The Kama Sutra has seen many rebirths and been given countless interpretations. You're pressed to find a sex guide not inspired or influenced by it. Fast forward to modern times and Western shores...The Joy of Sex: A Gourmet Guide to Lovemaking, (are you paying attention, Mr. Lothario? gourmet guide), which you may or may not have accidentally on purpose taken down from your parents' shelves, is the modern equivalent to which many if not all subsequent volumes on the subject owe a debt.
 
If you're waiting for a list, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't have one. I meant to compile one, even started one, then realized most positions in today's manuals are variations on the basics covered in the classics, so unless you're in the market for Coitus for Contortionists (yeah, it's all fun and games until someone pulls a muscle) you're not likely to find anything revolutionary. Still, in a rut, they can be a sex life saver. You can feast on them, make a multi-course meal out of them, or have a light snack. They are also perfectly good aphrodisiacs and appetizers, sensory stimulation.

They can add variety to your routine but keep in mind that as with any large menu, you probably won't like everything on it. I encourage you to experiment all the same. Find your favorites, what you enjoy most, together, and don't worry too much if a particular position doesn't feel right or work for you. Move on. Do whatever feels good and natural. Make it up as you go.

Bon appétit! Have a sexcellent weekend. And keep thinking those sexy thoughts.

*position

The O factor

Last week's post on vibrators got me thinking about orgasms. I must confess I feel a bit uncomfortable writing them. Not uncomfortable writing about them here, talking to you about them, but in erotic romance. I sometimes feel as if I'm perpetuating a myth. You know, that if she's not screaming and writhing as if having a seizure and if he's not going off like a New Year's rocket, no one's having fun or satisfied. I sometimes feel and fear I'm party to creating performance anxiety writing stories where most every sexual encounter ends in climax, his, hers or theirs; that I'm implying that's all there is, and that that's all there is to it.

Yes, I know. Readers are smart. I for one love reading the dream instead of reality and regularly opt for entertainment instead of education. I'm also willing to suspend a considerable amount of disbelief when it comes to fiction provided the fictional facts hold water in the context of the story world. But. I do believe we agreed at the start of Frisky Friday that it would be about fact not fiction. So. The O. Some facts I rounded up for you:

Less than a third of women reach orgasm when having sex. Three in four men always do. But:
Women have more than one nerve pathway for sensation; women have four, which in turn implies women are capable of experiencing more intense and complex orgasms than men. Furthermore, women can orgasm from not just genital but several forms of stimulation. Everything from knee to brow has been reported and recorded.
It is possible to "think off." You can orgasm without touching your body.
Male orgasm and ejaculation are not synonymous or interchangeable.
Orgasms have the same impact on the male brain as heroin does on the brain of an addict, plus activity in the male brain’s reward hub is off the charts at the point of orgasm. Meaning what? Sex can be addictive.
The more aroused a woman becomes, the more the parts of the brain responsible for processing fear and anxiety deactivate.
Orgasms activate the same part of the brain as pain. Which kind of explains those distorted O faces, doesn't it?
For women, orgasms become easier with age.
Anorgasmia (female orgasm disorder) is a condition in which women can't orgasm or have difficulty reaching climax.

Let's face it. When it's good, it's good. It's good for you, too. Orgasm is a natural high, a pain-blocker helping with everything from menstrual cramps to arthritis and alleviating symptoms of depression and anxiety. It releases muscle tension and heightens women’s sensitivity to touch. But if you've never had one and are left wondering, if orgasms are elusive for physical or psychological reasons (hormonal changes, certain medications and disorders, depression, diabetes, stress, fatigue etc.), if it affects the quality of your life or relationships, it can be more a source of sorrow than pleasure. That's why I think it's important to bust some of the myths surrounding orgasms and acknowledge that there may be an overemphasis on orgasms when talking about sex. More! Better!! Faster!!! Stronger!!!! 

Sex may be a contact sport but it's not a competitive sport and I don't think orgasms should be viewed as the finish line, at least not every time. Focusing on the destination, have we forgotten to enjoy the ride? Sex can be great, it can be frickin' fantastic, even if you don't come. It doesn't have to be fireworks every single time. Firecrackers are good. They are absolutely acceptable and they can be very pleasurable and it's not an epic failure on anyone's part and I hope you agree.

Porn may have something to do with it, the confusion and delusion. Porn may even have a lot to do with it since it has given many a pleasurable, wonderful things a bad name and perpetuated some harmful myths about sexuality in general and women's sexuality in particular. But that's another topic for some other Friday.

I'd love to hear what readers think. Is the big O the sugar in your Romantica tea? Is there something in the descriptions of those climactic scenes (pun tot. int.) that bother or even irritate you, or are fireworks what you expect and let's leave the firecrackers to mainstream romance authors? In the land of a thousand pleasures, is an orgasm the epitome?

Frisky Friday takes a break next week as I take a short trip. In the meantime, enjoy the downtime. And keep thinking those sexy thoughts.

Hysteria!

This ought to be good, I thought when I first heard about this a year ago. A romantic comedy set in Victorian England, based on fact, about the invention of the vibrator. The movie Hysteria generated quite a buzz (pun int.) when it debuted at this year's Toronto Film Festival, and frankly, the history of motorized sex aids is pretty hysterical.

In the bad old days a lady didn't enjoy sex. Let me rephrase that. A lady was not supposed to enjoy sex. Sex was for procreational not recreational purposes, the act of intercourse leading to male climax. Female pleasure was beside the point since according to general wisdom women didn't suffer from sex drive. Except they did. Women exhibiting symptoms such as nervousness, insomnia, heaviness in the abdomen and lower pelvic edema, erotic fantasies and vaginal lubrication were diagnosed with "hysteria," after the Greek word for the womb, hysteros, a condition resulting from congestion of the reproductive system.

Sounds like acute if not chronic arousal to me. The cure provided to free women from this awful blockage: orgasms, or "hysterical paroxysm" as they were called as not to imply sexual desire and release. It was just what the doctor ordered and, incidentally, administered, too. Being treated for hysteria meant getting yourself to the doctor and letting him get you off.

It was hard manual labor. So hard that physicians used everything from wind-up vibrators and midwives as masseuses to ascending douches and pneumatic equipment for assistance. You bet those poor medicine men welcomed the age of electricity with open albeit tired arms. So. Before there were electrically powered irons or vacuum cleaners, there were vibrators, or "manipulators." Before long, women didn't need to bother with doctors appointments, they could treat themselves at home. The massager was a labor-saving household appliance like any other, widely advertised in magazines such as Good Housekeeping and sold at Sears. It was a health aid not to be confused or associated with masturbation. At least not publicly.

Along came the moving pictures with pornographic movies in tow. The minute vibrators showed up in the flesh flicks of the 1930's they were given a bad name, and women wanting or using one suddenly became infamous. Vibrators practically disappeared. Until 1952, when the American Psychiatric Association declared hysteria was not a clinical condition and knocked it off the list of mental illnesses.

It would take another decade for vibrators to re-emerge. Despite the sexual revolution, reservations, guilt and the stigma of sin and mental disease lingered, and most women wouldn't set foot in a sex shop. Vibrators were something men gave as naughty gifts to their partners and the designs of the decade reflect what men thought women wanted: the bigger the better.

It would take a few decades more for the "delightful companion" to establish itself as the fun and safe way to satisfy yourself and your partner, and another invention, the Internet, for the female market for vibrators to explode. The monster phalluses are still out there, but so is a wide array of other pleasurable paraphernalia women can browse at will and shop discreetly, if they so wish, online.

So whoever did invent the Internet, thank you. Thank you, Betty Dodson. And thank you, weak-wristed doctors of the 1880's. We sure are glad to be rid of the disease, and elated the treatment survived the cure. 

For a glimpse at some forty vintage vibrators, visit the Science Museum in London. For some personal or mutual pleasure, visit your local sex shop or one of the many adult toy stores to be found on the Internet. Some suggestions from around the world and the www:

Adam & Eve
Babeland
Canadian Sex Toys
Discreet-Romance
EdenFantasys
Liberator
Lovehoney
Love Shack Canada
MasalaToys
Matildas 
MyPleasure
SexShop365
Sex Toys 
Wild Secrets

I'm not affiliated with any of these companies, I'm only here to help. Until next week, dearest denizens! Keep buzzing, and keep thinking sexy thoughts.

Frisky Friday in the realm of the senses

Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. Writers know the importance of sensory details, how they make a story come to life. Detailed lovers know it, too, how sensual foreplay can make their partners come to life. (And if it takes time for you or your partner to light up, listen up.) Did you know that a woman's skin is ten times more sensitive to touch and pressure than a man's? Women are one huge erogenous zone, so your chances of hitting the spot are excellent. If it weren't for individual differences and preferences. Therein lies the problem, and a whole lot of fun.

Men are said to fall for what they see and women for what they hear. As any man who enjoys a dirty talking dame and any woman who craves visual stimulation will tell you, that's not always the case. Individual differences and preferences, remember? So let's not settle for generalizations, let's broaden the horizons, shall we? Let's explore.

Grab your partner (preferably relaxed) and some time (preferably unlimited/uninterrupted), and make an expedition of it. You don't need a navigator. You have everything you need right in front of you (that would be each other) but you have to pay attention. Your reactions are all the guidance either one of you needs, so keep those minds and senses open and go. Explore. 

Where are we headed again? Intimacy. Arousal. Fun, a teasing good time. Mutual pleasure. A deeper understanding. The sensual world. Watching, tasting, touching, listening to and, yeah, even scenting out your partner. The favorite destinations: where skin is the most sensitive, most responsive to stimulation, i.e. in, on and around the genitalia, the navel, hips and pubic hairline, inner thighs, behind the knees, fingers and toes and the skin in between, the feet, the elbow crook and inner surface of forearms, shoulders, neck and underarms, breasts/chest and nipples, ears and mouth.  Did I forget something? The butt and backbone region?
 
Of course there's no need to limit yourself to these, to what you always do, what someone told you women/men like, or what you think your partner likes because that's what you like. Get off the beaten path. Explore. Get to know the most sensitive zones and their sensitivity and you'll learn the degree of intensity to use. Some areas may require an easy touch, others respond to rougher caresses. Kiss, lick, nibble, bite. Stroke, slap, scratch, tickle, massage.

Use your tongue as you would your fingers and vice versa. Don't just use your lips, use your teeth too, but start off gently, okay? Gauge those reactions. See what your hair does to them when brushed against those sensitive zones, or a hard sharp blow of cool air, or an open-mouthed long and warm breath. Nothing much? Move on. Explore.

Accessorize. Try using a blindfold. Taking out sight is a sure way to sharpen all the other senses. Verbalize. Tell them what you're going to do. Ask them what they want you to do. Then follow through. Watch and learn. A great way to find out what your partner likes and how they like it is to watch them masturbate. Try out sex toys but don't go overboard. (As a rule, intense, rough stimulation desensitizes and you don't want to end up in a vicious cycle where you need an ever-increasing amount of stimulation to get aroused.)

Don't just wonder what this or that or the other would feel like, find out. Boldly stick that tongue or finger where those taste buds or digits haven't gone before, with your partner's consent, naturally, and ask them to return the favor, to touch you where and how you'd like to be touched. Some of your wishes may sound silly or surprising to them. Some of yours may even make them a little squeamish. But if it's not intentionally hurtful or degrading (above all else, respectfulness, okay? you're both supposed to enjoy it, right?), give it a try. Don't be a 5-year-old. Don't say you don't like something if you've never had it. Give it a try and then decide if you want more. What borderline scared you may end up thrilling you. Your former put-off may turn out to be your new turn-on.

You'll never know if you don't go. So go. Watch, listen, smell, feel, taste. Explore. Enjoy.

Frisky Friday, or, in the mood for love

Hello hello, dearest denizens, and welcome to another episode of Frisky Friday! First a recap. So far, we've worked on a loving attitude toward both yourself and your partner. Why? Because what goes around has a tendency of coming around. Positivity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. So is negativity. Which one do you think is more constructive? How about seductive? If you're tense, if s/he's tense, if the whole atmosphere is tense, I doubt you'll be feeling very amorous at the end of the day. 

And that's a shame. I believe a good relationship equals good sex and a satisfactory sex life contributes to a satisfactory relationship. Good. Satisfactory. Not perfect or outstanding or some other silly shit. Every relationship eventually hits a rough patch. But even if you feel you've lost that loving feeling, not all is lost.

Sex is a contact sport and like any athlete will tell you, warming up can make or break a performance. So. How much time do you reserve for foreplay? Thirty minutes? Fifteen? Five? What foreplay; you barely have time for sex?! Buildup, sweetie darlings, what great erotic romances and really nice sex are made of. Enjoying the ride, not just the finish line. Let's forget about the finish line for now and focus on those all-important preparations instead.

As anyone who's ever orgasmed in their sleep will tell you, sex truly is in the brain. Everyone else knows it, too. How hot and bothered you can get just thinking about it. You don't necessarily need physical stimuli, you can run on mental stimulus just fine. My point? You have time for foreplay. You have all the time you need. Don't wait until the last minute, don't wait until the main event, start warming up now! Get a week, five days, even one day of mental foreplay in there and I promise you'll be ready for sex when there's time to have some.

And we're back to attitude, how it makes all the difference. You have to decide, every day, which one you'll be: a dynamo or a torpedo? How you'll talk to your partner, look at them, touch them. I've had time to practice. I've been married for ten years. Yes, consecutively. Yes, to the same man. I've found there's a lot you can do to keep the spark alive. 

It's as simple as a simple, sincere compliment. Not just asking how their day went but listening, too. A passing touch. An unexpected, well-placed kiss. An unexpected, out of place "I love you." The Look, that long, hot, heavy look. A sweet text message out of the blue. Sexting. A whispered promise in the middle of a crowd. Choosing sex over housework. The housework will still be there when you're done but your partner may be long gone on to something completely different when you're done with the lawn or laundry.

Sounds like a holistic approach? It is. It's all foreplay if you want it to be. And I'm happy to report not only does it work, it's a lot of fun. It's a continuous win-win game of two players competing not against each other but together. You can be as crazy busy as they come and still pull it off, I promise. But you have to make a conscious decision. Dynamo or torpedo? For road team or home team?

Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to work on those powers of seduction, or should I say suggestion. Reach out and touch your partner without laying a finger on them. Surprise them. Surprise yourself. Buildup, babies, buildup. Warming up until you sizzle. And then what? Let's talk about that next week. Same time, same bat-crazy channel. Until then...think sexy thoughts.

Frisky Friday! We need to talk.

So. You got yourself a partner in life. For life, for now, married, engaged...doesn't matter. You thought the getting part was tricky? Try holding on to one. The chase may be over but the work isn't done. Far from it.

There's a good reason fairy tales fade out at "And they lived happily ever after." The epilogue would read something like this: "And they would have humped happily ever after as well had not his bf had a meltdown, her computer crashed and the car died, their bosses gone on vacation leaving them to do all the work and the baby cried for three years straight." Let's face it, who wants overtime and dirty laundry or diapers in their picture-perfect storybook? Sexy? I think not. Reality? I'm afraid so. End of story? Hardly.

Hubby comes home from work. Without further ado: "You'd tell me if you were unhappy, right?" Well hello to you too. "I'm not unhappy." Level stares all-around. "But if you were. You'd tell me, right?" Well, yeah. "I am not unhappy." As if he's not hearing me, "But if you were, you would tell me, right?"

It turned out a colleague of his was getting a divorce. Or his wife was divorcing him because she was, and I quote, unhappy. According to the man, he had no idea. According to Hubby, the man seemed genuinely shocked, saddened and confused. I don't know them. Without knowing more and assuming the rest, it's hard to say what really happened and when. I'm going to make a bold assumption all the same. It came down to one of three things: a) he was hard of hearing, b) she never said a word, or c) a little bit of both. My second bold assumption: a little bit of both.

Miscommunication or a total lack of communication has to be the number one reason relationships fall apart. You'd think that when two people get together, the hardest part is behind you. You found each other. Now you just enjoy the ride. It can work out that way, but not indefinitely. You have to find each other, find your way to each other, time and time again, or find each other on different planets. It is a conscious, constant effort to grow together, not apart. It can be done. I promise you. You can course-correct. Always.

Everything in writing, relationships, life, boils down to words, speech, expression, delivery, communication. Everything. It's such a cliché, you say? Talk is so overrated? If it were that easy, if opening your mouth and ears was all it took, everybody would be doing it and no relationship would ever fall apart? Turns out not everybody is doing it. Because they are all talked out. Bad listeners. In denial. Busy. Afraid of what they might hear or what could come out of their mouth. My third outrageous assumption: It is just that easy. You speak, and you listen when your partner does. And you pay attention to how you put those words out there. Do I know of a better way? Let me break it to you gently. No.

Don't shoot the messenger, but people can't actually read your mind. Some are more sensitive and perceptive than others, but for the most part, we still have to resort to opening our mouths if we want to get our message out there. It's not fair to your partner, or anyone else for that matter, if they have to pry every thought and feeling out of you. No fair. Keeping them guessing is even worse. You have to volunteer your thoughts or forfeit the right to be hurt by your partner's actions and reactions or lack thereof. Because they can't hear what you're thinking. Because they can only guess at what you're feeling. And when people have to start guessing, that's when not-so-funny things start happening.

Unless you're a total misanthrope, you're courteous to, mindful of and interested in the people you interact with all day long; your boss, colleagues, friends, total strangers. Then you get home and disregard your partner. Because you're all talked out. Because you're tired. Because they're safe, they can take it. You work hard for the money, you need your me time, your hobbies and your friends. Or the end of the day is the only moment in the day when you don't have to talk about anything to anyone after a long day of talking to everyone and their brother mother sister lover. Can't you please have one area, one relationship, in your life that's not too demanding of you? Let me break it to you gently. If it's The Relationship, no.

You have to bring your head and heart home as well, not just a dog-tired body. Yes, I know, it's sometimes too much to ask, and if it's just on occasion that you can't do more than kiss each other goodnight then so be it. But if it's becoming the norm, I'd worry. If you're home and still talking to everyone on the planet except the person next to you, I'd really worry. Believe me, I know, you only want to make everyone happy, and it makes you happy too keeping in touch and saying hello and taking a break from both the job and the family scene, but take care. If you fall asleep with your laptop in your arms instead of your partner, if you fumble for your phone in the middle of having sex because you think it bleeped, you may one day be told to go fuck your gadgets and served with divorce papers the next. (True story, btw.)

You may well wake up next to a stranger one morning, look at them thinking you should probably know them, but they're just not the person they used to be. In all likelihood, they're not. But where were you when they morphed? Not paying attention to everyone except your loved one, I hope? I know. Sometimes nothing you say or do gets through. Not every relationship is salvageable but every serious relationship is worth a serious shot at saving.

You can't outsource happiness. It's not your partner's mission in life to make you happy, it's to be happy alongside you, and until you take responsibility for your actions and words, HEA is not a realistic goal. So. Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to do an inventory. Pay close attention not only to who you talk to during the week but how, especially at home. If there's not much talking going on, are the silences in your relationship comfortable or awkward? If something has been bothering you for a while, take it up with your partner. Don't start with "You (always...)," start with "I," how you're feeling, what you're thinking. Catch yourself being nippy. What's that all about? So what if you miss the latest episode of whatever one night. You'll miss your partner more when they're gone. Agree that on certain nights the only gadgets allowed in the bed are the ones you purchased and intend to use together/on each other. Okay, stopping now, that's more than one task, that's a blueprint. And the only way I know to keep the boat afloat.

Hey lady, what the heck does this have to do with sex? Have you been listening with your mouths and not your ears open, sweetie darlings? Everything! If you and your partner are not on speaking terms, chances are you're not on fucking terms, either. If all is said and done in your household, good job, enjoy! If the fairy tale has become stale, if sex is the furthest thing from your mind, let's see if we can't do something about it next Friday. Let's see if we can't get in the mood for love. I know one thing that helps. Think sexy thoughts.