She-bop

When I held the XXX-mas giveaway last December, I put up a poll where I asked how satisfied are you with your sex life. Almost half of the votes landed in the last category, "What sex life?". It wasn't a trick question, but I later realized that I was in fact implying that to have a satisfactory sex life, you had to be having partnered sex, when in fact we all have a sex life. Sometimes the only sex we're having is with ourselves. Now there's a till-death-do-you-part relationship worth cherishing and cultivating since it is a life sentence.

We are born sexual beings and we die sexual beings. Some life stages see more one-on-one action than others, but sexual health remains a component of overall health, right up there with diet and exercise, throughout our lives. The strength of the drive varies from person to person, and even within the lifespan of an individual, your sexuality, your likes and dislikes, change and evolve. Nothing is mandatory when it comes to sex. There is no to-do list. But I can't think of a better way of keeping up with your body than keeping in touch with it, hands-on. Exploring how you respond and react, learning how you like to be touched, what turns you on. In that area, you should be expert, the authority.

But it's not just you and your hand anymore, you're in a relationship, you say? Congratulations! But that's an altogether different relationship, one I hope is not interfering with the one you have going with yourself, and I'd hate for that connection to be severed. I'm glad if you're having hot sex with someone eight days a week, but it's not like you're cheating on them if you go for a tug or rub one out every now and then. More like you're being unfaithful to yourself if you never do!

Statistics indicate that up to 89 per cent of women and 95 per cent of men masturbate. It's not a substitute for sex but a foundation on which you build, through life. A complement, a supplement, even while you're having hot sex with someone eight days a week. I hope they make you happy and you make them happy too, but I also hope you don't exist for each other in the sense that you're each others only source of joy, happiness, or pleasure. That's not love, that's codependency.

I submit to you that it's hard to be a masterful lover if you haven't mastered the art of self-love. If you're uncomfortable with yourself, how could you be comfortable with someone else? If you find no pride or pleasure in your body, do you expect to feel it in someone else's hands? If you can't give yourself an orgasm, is it fair to expect someone else to give you one?

Sorry about the Spanish Inquisition. There certainly has been enough of that to go around through the ages. Even the ancient Egyptians, Romans and Sumerians were more enlightened in these matters. And then the Church Fathers decided God hates wankers. Doctors joined the hate parade. In the introduction to Mark Twain's essay on masturbation, there's a passage from a century-old medical text clearly condemning self-stimulation as self-abuse, a sin worse than theft that destroys both body and soul and paves the way for diseases and mental disorder leading to suicide. Victorians may have treated female hysteria by getting women off, but men wasting their life force were offered pills, chastity belts, and clamps and cages sure to make men writhe, and I don't mean in pleasure. A mere century ago.

Fast forward to 1971 when The Sex Book: A Modern Pictorial Encyclopedia by Goldstein, Haeberle and McBride boldly stated that masturbation was and is the most common form of sexual activity. No one was struck by lightning. The sky didn't fall or the seas rise. Forty years ago. Only forty years ago. It boggles the mind my generation is the first guilt and shame free generation in a very long time, if they choose to be. It pains me to think of all the kids growing in a culture or within a religious community that applies the ostrich logic or openly maligns self-pleasuring as a one-way ticket to hell, illness and insanity.

Myths, taboos, old wives' tales, prejudices and warnings associated with the awful consequences of masturbation still linger. At the very least, it's a selfish act. Before you know it, you're watching porn or reading those trashy, filthy books, erotic romances, all day, or both!, while your balls shrink and hair falls out, and besides only nasty, dirty teens do it. The. Horror.

You are entitled to your opinion, religious groups to their beliefs and cultures to their norms, but doctors had a change of heart after some extensive research into the matter. Modern medicine men and psychologists have come to the consensus that masturbation is not only healthy, it comes with health benefits.

Unless you're up to something illegal or unsanitary, it's the safest sex you'll ever have. Maybe you're abstaining from partnered sex, maybe you're in between partners, maybe you're not ready for penetrative sex. The itch still needs to get scratched. Release brings relief without the risk of pregnancy or STDs and helps you familiarize yourself with your body, be comfortable in your own skin. You'll be glad you did when it's time to partner up and get it on.

You'll understand your responses and responsiveness better and that can only improve your performance. If you're a sprinter looking to run a marathon, or vice versa, masturbation can help increase stamina and manage delayed ejaculation. Practice makes perfect.

Masturbation is a natural way of combating insomnia, anxiety, pain and stress. Upon arousal, epinephrine levels spike. Another feelgood hormone, dopamine, runs riot on your way to orgasm, and the calming hormones oxytocin and endorphin grant us that sweet afterglow. Other beneficial side-effects of release: the release of cortisol, a hormone which regulates the body's immune system. Masturbation boosts your mood and your metabolism. The more satisfied you are with your sex life, solo or partnered, the more likely you are to enjoy life and good health.

Gentlemen! Regular release keeps the prostate in shape by cleaning out the plumbing. Not a foolproof prevention technique, but a pleasurable way of lowering the risk.

Ladies! Have you ever felt the urge to masturbate when you felt a UTI coming on? Don't fight it, the body knows what it needs, and what it needs is for you to listen to it. Female masturbation provides protection against cervical infections. Orgasming opens up the cervix and the increased friendly bacteria produced move old fluids from the cervix into the vagina. You're not only being lubricated, you're flushing out possibly unfriendly bacteria that can cause infections. Orgasms also strengthen the pelvic floor by giving the entire region a workout during orgasm.

The bad news: with age, vaginal walls thin and become drier due to a decrease in estrogen. It can result in cracks and tears, which in turn can make you susceptible to bacterial infections. Urination and intercourse can become painful, sometimes impossible. Vaginal atrophy can become a problem after or even during menopause. The good news: older women are just as able to become aroused as younger women are. Masturbation keeps the blood circulation in the genitals going strong, strengthens those thinning walls via pelvic workouts and lubricates the vagina.

Many women find that masturbation alleviates premenstrual tension. In a number of studies, women who experienced more orgasms, alone or with a partner, displayed greater resistance to coronary heart disease and type-2 diabetes. A cause for celebration, surely.

Mind, body, and soul. Now there's a holy trinity well worth cultivating since you're stuck with them for life. Leaving even one of them out of the equation leaves you wanting. Each component needs nourishment, each deserves attention and respect, and every single one of them promises pleasure and fulfillment. As long as you take pride in and honor them all, equally.

Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is a self-love date with yourself. Do whatever brings you the most pleasure, as long as it involves the emotional, the intellectual and the physical level. Together or separate, your choice. You're the expert of you. Do whatever you feel would strengthen your relationship with yourself. Confidence is sexy. So is self-awareness of the calm, collected kind. Go get connected.

Lonnie Barbach (2000, 1976). For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality

Betty Dodson (1996). Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. 

Martha Cornog (2003). The Big Book of Masturbation: From Angst to Zeal.

Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores and Whipple (2006). The Science of Orgasm. 

Thomas W Laqueur (2003). Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation.

Planned Parenthood Federation of America (2002). The White Paper. Masturbation. From Stigma to Sexual Health.

Joann Ellison Rodgers (2003). Sex: A Natural History.

Mark Twain (2009, 1879). Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism.

Objects of desire

High time for another installment of Frisky Friday, don't you think? I think we'd pick up where we left off and talk fetishes. No, don't go! If you've read even one of my FF posts, you know this may very well concern you, too. Spice up your sex life. Give food for thought, at the very least.

But when I said fetish, you saw a dude in latex licking lady-toe like mad. Some of you did, admit it. Because admittedly, the more mainstream the imagery has become (see e.g.: every other music video these days), the more exposure even the most hardcore branches have gotten and the more misunderstandings have ensued.

The thing is that when it comes to fetishes, everybody has one, or two, or a few. The problem is that when the word comes up, others often follow, words such as bizarre, deviant, taboo, perverted, kinky. Fetishism, like so many other sex-related terminology (see: post on porn), has become a blanket term for everything from a clinical condition where your sole source of sexual stimulus/satisfaction is sucking that toe/watching someone suck toe/thinking about sucking of said toe to the simple fact you find feet the most erotic part of the human anatomy.

A sexual fetish is a fixation ranging in degree from playful to paraphilic on a body part (e.g. breasts), an object (e.g. a bra), a medium (lace), an individual (lingerie model) or situation (insert favorite fantasy starring lingerie model) that is a prerequisite for your arousal. But since anything can and has been eroticized, is it any wonder the word fetish comes with baggage of the overweight kind.

Let's rummage through that case, shall we? First item, a prominent one: clothing. There are loads of clothes in that bag, Special Mention: shoes, uniforms and lingerie, leather and latex, and transvestic items. We could of course wear most anything that protects us from the elements. But most of us pay attention to things like colors and textures and tailoring, fabric and feel and function. Fashion. We dress to impress and we dress to attract. We emphasize and exaggerate. Some garments we simply find pleasing, some a pleasure, on ourselves or on others. Underwear, high-heeled boots, gloves, tight skirts, short skirts, military apparel, stretch fabrics...

Next to come out of that case: body parts. Partialism is an intense focus on a specific body part, a part some find as or even more sexually attractive as the genitals. So lots of hands, fingers and fingernails in that case. Plenty of legs and feet. Lips, breasts and buttocks, too. Many overlooked erogenous parts feature: the navel and knees, ears and armpits.

What else have we got in there? Hair, or lack thereof. Many a woman fancy a hairy chest or a shaved head. Many a man drool over certain hair colors, lengths or dos. For some, it's all about tattoos or body piercings. For others, it's an age thing, the knowledge they are much older or younger than you are. Some find there is no turn-on greater than a certain shape or size; a really tiny/large woman, a truly muscled man, a pregnant belly.

Impregnating that belly. Exhibitionism, voyeurism. Power play. Authority figures. (Which brings us really close to a related issue, BDSM, which deserves a post or seven all its own.) Sexual arousal may occur from anything. Anything can travel in that bag. But that anything is such a subjective, personal issue, it can be hard to understand why your turn-off is someone's turn-on, or why not everyone finds pleasure in the things you do.

Who's holding that bag? Someone for whom fetishes replace true intimacy and/or cause distress. Someone for whom fetishism is an integral part of their sexual identity. Someone for whom fetishes are a casual prop, an occasional spice, a playful form of intimacy and variety. Most everyone has some setup, person, personality trait or body part that turns them on more than any other they can imagine. Some have fun with it in the bedroom, alone or with their partners. It can be something so simple not everyone acknowledges it for what it is. It can be something you consider so atypical, extreme even, you'd never tell a soul what it is.

We agree, mehopes, that taste is a subjective issue. What lies within the boundaries of normal (now there's a word I find disturbing) sexuality varies not only by individual but time and place as well. Yesterday's horror is tomorrow's ho-hum. Don't be too hard on yourself. So your fetish borders on the unconventional (one of my favorite words). If it doesn't affect your life or relationships, if you're not hurting anyone with it, physically or emotionally, it should be a source of pleasure, not shame!

Sex is too important to be left drifting in the fogs of confusion and misunderstanding. It's a positive, pleasurable thing, is it not? At its best, sex is not only a source of physical satisfaction but a window, an exploration into your psyche, relationships and relationship patterns. Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give it a think. Is there a certain type of person/personality you find especially attractive? Certain settings or scenarios you find super arousing? Specific body parts or paraphernalia that really turn you on? What lies at the root of them...that's not necessarily for me to know, only you to find out. I hope it helps you understand your preferences better. I hope it helps you enjoy sex and your sexuality more.

Until next time, dearest denizens! Keep thinking sexy thoughts.

Undisclosed desires

Sex with a stranger/celebrity/friend. Sex with two or more partners. Sex with another woman (if you're a woman). Sex with another man (if you're a man). Roleplay. Dominating/being dominated by your partner. Light BDSM. Voyeurism. Exhibitionism. Exotic locations. The stuff erotic novels and sexual fantasies are made of.

Some dream factories churn out produce on an industrial scale (hello author friends!), some are more moderate in their output, but everyone fantasizes about something at some point. Psychologist Brett Kahr anonymously surveyed 18,000 Brits and Americans about their sexual fantasies and found that nine out of ten people have them. The remaining tenth person? Probably too embarrassed to fess up.

Sexual fantasies have to be the most common expression and form of experiencing sexuality. They're also a highly personal and individual thing and thus one of the most hush-hush. The shame and guilt they arouse in some is unnecessary albeit understandable. Any situation or object can be eroticized, turned into a fetish, but for the longest time any "kinky" or "strange" fantasies were considered pathologic, especially in women. (Remember our discussion about Hysteria, vibrators and masturbation? Yeah.)

Free sexual expression and enjoyment is not a universal idea or ideal. In too many parts of the world, sexual fantasies are for historical, cultural, religious, heteronormative, erotophobic and what have you reasons still strictly taboo, corruptive thoughts brought to you if not by Beelzebub himself then something abnormal and twisted in you. Is it any wonder that's what your brain may scream when certain thoughts cross your mind: This is wrong. I'm wrong, right? No, you're curious and imaginative and tapping into the positive life force that is your sexuality. Not fantasizing is the aberration.

I want to address one popular theme, being dominated/forced seduction, because it's so baffling to the Average Joe. I'm befuddled as to why because Joe fantasizes about being dominated, too. An independent, strong modern woman wants to be dominated. Well Joe, when you carry your own weight alongside caring for others, when you are sensible and responsible and dependable 24/7, giving up all control is a very tempting, titillating fantasy. That is not where we'd like to end up, but that's where we sometimes go to take a break from the demands of daily life. And Joe, even in a forced seduction scenario, it's not about you. It's not about getting hurt or being humiliated. It's about safely handing over control, submitting while being in total control. I know. It's complicated. People are complex. Tastes, themes and motivations vary. So Joe, above all, respectfulness. Always, okay?

Where were we? Yes. Popular themes. Just as you fantasize about the naughty and nice things you'd love to do with your partner, one of your partner's favorite fantasies is you. Things you've done in the past and they like to revisit, things they dream of doing to you, with you, in the future. If you've fallen into a rut, if you feel your sex life is lacking in variety, sharing a fantasy is a great way to spice up things.

But first you have to open your mouth and put it out there, and that's a scary prospect. It's one of those moments when you realize you don't know everything there is to know about your partner, and they don't know all about you. You face rejection and/or ridicule. What if what you find stimulating turns them off? What if their favorite fantasy is your worst nightmare? "You want (me) to do what?" I think the most important thing to remember when introducing a fantasy is to treat your partner as a full participant, not a prop. Make it about what you could experience and enjoy together, a mutual fantasy, not just what you want. Of course you can agree to try out something only because your partner asked. Who knows? You may be happily surprised, find a new favorite.

But I wouldn't want anyone to do anything against their will, especially if it involves inviting other people into the bedroom. If it disturbs you, scares you or makes you uncomfortable, do not do it. If your partner says no, don't push it. If you agree to try out something you're not one hundred percent sure about, reserve the right to stop at any point and make sure everyone is on the same page. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, physically or emotionally.

Also, if your fantasies are becoming compulsive in nature, if fantasizing is the only way you get aroused/off with your partner, if your mind is always somewhere else with someone else, do stop to think about what's going on. If your partner has no role in certain fantasies, I don't see the point of sharing them. Hmmm. Unless it's a particular brand of verbal foreplay you both enjoy. Anyhow, it's the difference between your partner telling you s/he fantasizes about watching you having sex with X and you telling them you fantasize about sex with X. You know what I mean?

Certain fantasies may have to remain in the realm of erotic films, fiction and your imagination, perfectly fine and safe substitutes and outlets, mind you. Some fantasies may get lost in translation and disappoint. You gave it a try, it was okay but not great, moving on. Let's face it, you can do pretty much anything you like in a fantasy, things you would never manage/dare in real life. That's the whole point, so there are apt to be disappointments. S'okay. It happens.

Should you feel guilty you fantasize about sex with X even when you really really love your partner and would never in a million years have sex with X even if the opportunity offered itself? I don't see why. I don't believe there's a soul out there whose mind's eye hasn't wandered at least once. After all, fantasies are a great way to fire desire. So you had a fleeting thought about X. If you're going home with Y and gladly so, why worry?

For a deeper understanding of this Extremely Private & Incredibly Common phenomenon, consult e.g.
Michael Bader: Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies
Nancy Friday: Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age; Forbidden Flowers; My Secret Garden
Brett Kahr: Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies
Stanley Siegel: Your Brain on Sex
Your partner
Your psyche

Have fun, dearest denizens, and keep thinking sexy thoughts. Everyone else is.

Girls on film

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Assume the asana*

Technically, it's still Friday, so how about we strike a pose, dearest denizens, and go at it from every angle with another Frisky Friday! Ready? Assume the position.

What do you say to a guy who tells you that monogamy is beyond him, it's like eating the same meal every single day? A man who brags about the high frequency and amount of his conquests (proof he is a Great Lover, as if quantity has anything to do with quality) and that his married friends are missing out? All I could think of was he had to be really bad in bed. Of course I didn't say that to his face, but I did say something to the effect that obviously he didn't know how to cook.

You don't need a hundred cooks, you only need a hundred recipes, tried and true, for a versatile, satisfying diet. That applies to the bedroom as well as the kitchen, Casanova. But I know it's easy to fall into a rut, rotate the same few recipes because you can do it with your eyes closed/the lights out, you're in a hurry, you don't have the time or the inclination to start learning new ones.

If they're your favorite could-eat-this-and-nothing-else-for-the-rest-of-my-days recipes, go for it. Enjoy! But if you feel like trying out something new and different every once in a while but are not quite sure how, that's where cookbooks and sex manuals alike come in handy. The problem: we are spoiled for choice. So where do you go for sound but sexy advice? Which sexpert do you listen to with everything from the classics such as the Kama Sutra to specifics like The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus/Fellatio and The Best Illustrated and Most Innovative Step-By-Step Guide for a Pleasurable Path to Anal Sex to choose from? Where do you start?

My suggestion: start with the classics and progress to the specifics if and when you feel like it. There's a good reason the Kama Sutra ("the science of pleasure") is a classic. It's known as a sex manual, but it's more than a how-to handbook. Only a small part of its text is devoted to technique, the rest is erotic wisdom. It does give practical instructions on how to use different sexual positions to lend variety to lovemaking, but it's also about the senses and intimacy and sensuality, it deals with foreplay and seduction, and above all mutual pleasure, something lost on our loverboy from the beginning of the post, focused on satisfying his own needs as he was.

The text may be 2,000 years old but it's strikingly modern in it's treatment of and approach to the sexes, so don't write if off as so last millennium and counting. Times may have changed but the human body has not and for example the sections on genital size are very helpful if he's too large/small for you, or if she's too small/wide. (The Kama Sutra separates men into three types according to the size of their penis and women into three categories depending on the depth of their vagina.) The bad news: some unions are more satisfying than others. The good news: there are highly pleasurable ways to work around this. The Kama Sutra recommends positions for every possible union, something anyone who's ever suffered discomfort during sex can appreciate.

Depth and angle can make all the difference if you or your partner have any sort of physical limitation, say a disability or you're pregnant. If sex causes pain or discomfort of any kind, for any reason, it tends to limit the repertoire of sex positions and it forces you to get creative when having sex. Again, a manual can point you in the right direction when you search for what yields the most pleasure and the best results.

The Kama Sutra has seen many rebirths and been given countless interpretations. You're pressed to find a sex guide not inspired or influenced by it. Fast forward to modern times and Western shores...The Joy of Sex: A Gourmet Guide to Lovemaking, (are you paying attention, Mr. Lothario? gourmet guide), which you may or may not have accidentally on purpose taken down from your parents' shelves, is the modern equivalent to which many if not all subsequent volumes on the subject owe a debt.
 
If you're waiting for a list, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't have one. I meant to compile one, even started one, then realized most positions in today's manuals are variations on the basics covered in the classics, so unless you're in the market for Coitus for Contortionists (yeah, it's all fun and games until someone pulls a muscle) you're not likely to find anything revolutionary. Still, in a rut, they can be a sex life saver. You can feast on them, make a multi-course meal out of them, or have a light snack. They are also perfectly good aphrodisiacs and appetizers, sensory stimulation.

They can add variety to your routine but keep in mind that as with any large menu, you probably won't like everything on it. I encourage you to experiment all the same. Find your favorites, what you enjoy most, together, and don't worry too much if a particular position doesn't feel right or work for you. Move on. Do whatever feels good and natural. Make it up as you go.

Bon appétit! Have a sexcellent weekend. And keep thinking those sexy thoughts.

*position

This is bad

Baaad bad bad, sweetie darlings. According to a multinational study, which released just in time for World Contraception Day, unprotected sex is on the rise and access to and knowledge about contraception is going the way of...of...someone or something that doesn't give a shit about the welfare of others.

Clueless or Clued Up: your right to be informed about contraception reports that the number of youngsters having unprotected sex with a new partner has increased by 19% in Britain, 39% in the US, and a staggering 111% in France (in the last three years). Unplanned pregnancies and myths about surefire methods after the fact abound, as do abortions and STIs. 

The fact that "young people are telling us they are not receiving enough sex education or the wrong type of information about sex and sexuality," (said Jennifer Woodside, spokeswoman for the International Planned Parenthood) isn't helping. "How can young people make decisions that are right for them and protect them from unwanted pregnancy and STIs, if we do not empower them and enable them to acquire the skills they need to make those choices?"

That's a very good question. I know a very poor answer. Let's tell them to stop doing it and then pretend they're not doing it. Come on. It's not what kids know that gets them into trouble, it's everything they don't.

Frisky Friday in the realm of the senses

Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. Writers know the importance of sensory details, how they make a story come to life. Detailed lovers know it, too, how sensual foreplay can make their partners come to life. (And if it takes time for you or your partner to light up, listen up.) Did you know that a woman's skin is ten times more sensitive to touch and pressure than a man's? Women are one huge erogenous zone, so your chances of hitting the spot are excellent. If it weren't for individual differences and preferences. Therein lies the problem, and a whole lot of fun.

Men are said to fall for what they see and women for what they hear. As any man who enjoys a dirty talking dame and any woman who craves visual stimulation will tell you, that's not always the case. Individual differences and preferences, remember? So let's not settle for generalizations, let's broaden the horizons, shall we? Let's explore.

Grab your partner (preferably relaxed) and some time (preferably unlimited/uninterrupted), and make an expedition of it. You don't need a navigator. You have everything you need right in front of you (that would be each other) but you have to pay attention. Your reactions are all the guidance either one of you needs, so keep those minds and senses open and go. Explore. 

Where are we headed again? Intimacy. Arousal. Fun, a teasing good time. Mutual pleasure. A deeper understanding. The sensual world. Watching, tasting, touching, listening to and, yeah, even scenting out your partner. The favorite destinations: where skin is the most sensitive, most responsive to stimulation, i.e. in, on and around the genitalia, the navel, hips and pubic hairline, inner thighs, behind the knees, fingers and toes and the skin in between, the feet, the elbow crook and inner surface of forearms, shoulders, neck and underarms, breasts/chest and nipples, ears and mouth.  Did I forget something? The butt and backbone region?
 
Of course there's no need to limit yourself to these, to what you always do, what someone told you women/men like, or what you think your partner likes because that's what you like. Get off the beaten path. Explore. Get to know the most sensitive zones and their sensitivity and you'll learn the degree of intensity to use. Some areas may require an easy touch, others respond to rougher caresses. Kiss, lick, nibble, bite. Stroke, slap, scratch, tickle, massage.

Use your tongue as you would your fingers and vice versa. Don't just use your lips, use your teeth too, but start off gently, okay? Gauge those reactions. See what your hair does to them when brushed against those sensitive zones, or a hard sharp blow of cool air, or an open-mouthed long and warm breath. Nothing much? Move on. Explore.

Accessorize. Try using a blindfold. Taking out sight is a sure way to sharpen all the other senses. Verbalize. Tell them what you're going to do. Ask them what they want you to do. Then follow through. Watch and learn. A great way to find out what your partner likes and how they like it is to watch them masturbate. Try out sex toys but don't go overboard. (As a rule, intense, rough stimulation desensitizes and you don't want to end up in a vicious cycle where you need an ever-increasing amount of stimulation to get aroused.)

Don't just wonder what this or that or the other would feel like, find out. Boldly stick that tongue or finger where those taste buds or digits haven't gone before, with your partner's consent, naturally, and ask them to return the favor, to touch you where and how you'd like to be touched. Some of your wishes may sound silly or surprising to them. Some of yours may even make them a little squeamish. But if it's not intentionally hurtful or degrading (above all else, respectfulness, okay? you're both supposed to enjoy it, right?), give it a try. Don't be a 5-year-old. Don't say you don't like something if you've never had it. Give it a try and then decide if you want more. What borderline scared you may end up thrilling you. Your former put-off may turn out to be your new turn-on.

You'll never know if you don't go. So go. Watch, listen, smell, feel, taste. Explore. Enjoy.

Frisky Friday!

Reader beware: This post contains graphic language, tough questions, tentative answers, clichés reinforced (because they are true), myths busted (because they are untrue), and, for those who make it to the end, homework.

Ladies. If you had to identify your crotch from a photo-lineup, would you be able to? Yes? Maybe, but you're not sure? No, because you've had a look, thank you very much? If you answered Yes, good for you! If you said Maybe, it's time to grab a mirror. If your answer is No, it's definitely time to grab a mirror. 

Oh, you've seen plenty of pussies, you say? They just didn't look anything like yours. They were all so...so photogenic, and...smooth and...glossy. Okay. May I inquire as to the whereabouts of these pussies you've inspected? They weren't tagged XXX or hardcore or something to that effect by any chance? I thought so. But what if they're the norm and you're the anomaly, you ask? That is but a subspecies, I assure you. (And you don't have to take my word for it. Ask Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross or Anna Richardson. Ask a friend. Ask around. The truth is out there.)

The common pussy (vulva vulgaris) found inside most panties should not be compared to its second cousin several times removed. The pornographic pussy is to the vulva as haute couture is to fashion. It's not a standard, it's a concept, a highly idealized concept, and not in a good way. Line them up in an identity parade and it becomes a charade. You can't tell one from the other. Where am I going with this?

Your partner is gearing up for the Sex Olympics and you're thinking The Championships Wobbledon. You're thinking vulva vulgaris and wrinkles and wobbly bits and how best to hide them and draw attention away from them, and when it's time to get busy, that's where your head's at, where you focus your energy. My point being?

Do you expect your partner to be perfect? Physically perfect? Chances are that's not what they expect, either. They're thinking how lovely you look, how much they want you, how lucky they are, not wishing you'd shed a few pounds or visit a beauty surgeon or salon because then, oh, then you'd be perfect. What do I know about it? Let me tell you all about it.

I know plenty. Like close-to-nine-pound-babies-damn-Viking-genes plenty. I didn't lose my figure. I didn't compete with Dolly Parton for the buxomest bosom. Looking at me from behind you never would have guessed I was in the family way. But when I turned, whoa, what are you having, the whole maternity ward? I had this huge pointed belly, like  r e a l l y  out there. And I have the stretch marks to prove it.

The scars have gradually faded but they were an angry red at first and nothing could be done to hide them in a bikini. So I stopped trying and decided to forget about them. I knew, I just knew, that if I didn't keep on keeping on, I would switch the bikinis for a burquini for good. Because I was ashamed. Self-loathing. Scarred. Scared. I didn't want that. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to wear that two-piece. And you know what happened the first time I hit the beach? Nothing. No one stared, barfed or offered their condolences. How liberating was that? It was all in my head, where the inner critic carouses with the Merchants of Discontent.

My body had changed for good, but for a good reason. I saw no reason why my self-image had to change. It's not as if those were the first scars ever. Oh no no, I have plenty to show off and take me back. My body has given me some of the most meaningful, beautiful, fantastic memories and sensations of my entire life. I can only hope so has yours. So why not pay it in kind and be kind to it. Your body is your friend. You only get one. Treat it accordingly, like a fine instrument, not like an object or machine. Certainly not like an enemy. Listen to it. Get to know it. How it works, how it reacts, what it can and can't do. Be merciful. Grateful. Forgiving.

You can decide never to go out in public half-clad, but you can't hide from your partner. And you can't hide from the MoD Squad. The Merchants of Discontent never tire, and the inner critic is loath to shut up. They will do everything in their power to hijack your brain and inject it with a sense of inadequacy. The media, popular culture, fashion...their minions are everywhere. It's up to you to fight back and put them out of commission and you can't do that just by sitting around waiting for it to happen, you have to go after those self-defeating counterproductive thoughts with a hammer and a chisel. If I knew any other way, I would dispense that wisdom now. I, personally, don't. If you're looking for a solution, salvation, you only need to look in the mirror.

And that's exactly what I want you to do. I want you to make peace with at least one insecurity you've convinced yourself you'll carry for life. Maybe you will. But why does it bother you so much? That's what I want you to look at rather than the fictional or factual blemish itself. Kick the bastard to the curb already, grinning ear to ear. Confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac and beauty weapon. It is sexy and it's inspiring. Bottom line: You won't be comfortable with your partner looking at you, all of you, until you're comfortable looking at yourself.

Next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to grab a mirror, or settle in front of one, and have a look, then another, and another, until you're intimately familiar with and comfortable looking at your body. It may take more than a week. Some spend a lifetime worrying about these things. You forfeit the right to feel insecure if you don't even know what your body looks like, all of it. That's not you being insecure, that's you being silly, okay? You should, presented with say that vulva lineup, be able to say with pride and confidence: "That's me." The one and only you. And that is more than those cinematic cunts can say.

Until next week then, when we'll be talking about waking up next to a stranger. Same time, same bat-crazy channel. Think sexy thoughts.