You have no right to remain silent

Proactive International Day of Peace, sweetie darlings!

Heavy rotation

Temperature: a rainy 15/59

Eating: Kerala chicken curry

Drinking: would kill for some guaraná. Not really, no. Maim?

Watching: a hedgehog on a snail hunt

Listening: to the new Coldplay singles; like really raping the replay button. Help.

Reading: Ildefonso Falcones' The Hand of Fatima 

Writing: a birthday message to one of my oldest friends. She's not old; the friendship is.

Feeling: really envious of everyone attending RomantiCon

Frisky Friday, or, in the mood for love

Hello hello, dearest denizens, and welcome to another episode of Frisky Friday! First a recap. So far, we've worked on a loving attitude toward both yourself and your partner. Why? Because what goes around has a tendency of coming around. Positivity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. So is negativity. Which one do you think is more constructive? How about seductive? If you're tense, if s/he's tense, if the whole atmosphere is tense, I doubt you'll be feeling very amorous at the end of the day. 

And that's a shame. I believe a good relationship equals good sex and a satisfactory sex life contributes to a satisfactory relationship. Good. Satisfactory. Not perfect or outstanding or some other silly shit. Every relationship eventually hits a rough patch. But even if you feel you've lost that loving feeling, not all is lost.

Sex is a contact sport and like any athlete will tell you, warming up can make or break a performance. So. How much time do you reserve for foreplay? Thirty minutes? Fifteen? Five? What foreplay; you barely have time for sex?! Buildup, sweetie darlings, what great erotic romances and really nice sex are made of. Enjoying the ride, not just the finish line. Let's forget about the finish line for now and focus on those all-important preparations instead.

As anyone who's ever orgasmed in their sleep will tell you, sex truly is in the brain. Everyone else knows it, too. How hot and bothered you can get just thinking about it. You don't necessarily need physical stimuli, you can run on mental stimulus just fine. My point? You have time for foreplay. You have all the time you need. Don't wait until the last minute, don't wait until the main event, start warming up now! Get a week, five days, even one day of mental foreplay in there and I promise you'll be ready for sex when there's time to have some.

And we're back to attitude, how it makes all the difference. You have to decide, every day, which one you'll be: a dynamo or a torpedo? How you'll talk to your partner, look at them, touch them. I've had time to practice. I've been married for ten years. Yes, consecutively. Yes, to the same man. I've found there's a lot you can do to keep the spark alive. 

It's as simple as a simple, sincere compliment. Not just asking how their day went but listening, too. A passing touch. An unexpected, well-placed kiss. An unexpected, out of place "I love you." The Look, that long, hot, heavy look. A sweet text message out of the blue. Sexting. A whispered promise in the middle of a crowd. Choosing sex over housework. The housework will still be there when you're done but your partner may be long gone on to something completely different when you're done with the lawn or laundry.

Sounds like a holistic approach? It is. It's all foreplay if you want it to be. And I'm happy to report not only does it work, it's a lot of fun. It's a continuous win-win game of two players competing not against each other but together. You can be as crazy busy as they come and still pull it off, I promise. But you have to make a conscious decision. Dynamo or torpedo? For road team or home team?

Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to work on those powers of seduction, or should I say suggestion. Reach out and touch your partner without laying a finger on them. Surprise them. Surprise yourself. Buildup, babies, buildup. Warming up until you sizzle. And then what? Let's talk about that next week. Same time, same bat-crazy channel. Until then...think sexy thoughts.

Go mess with Texas

Dearest Texans, do you sometimes wonder where the money goes? An extremely topical issue in these cost-cutting, downsizing times of ours, is it not? Let me enlighten you. To make a long story short...

The Texas Department of Transportation recently tried to stop distribution of romance author Christie Craig's novel Don't Mess With Texas. A U.S. District Judge denied the request stating the trademarked slogan did not apply to book slogans. Dear Texan taxpayer, thus ruled the federal court in Austin. The TxDOT is pursuing a trademark infringement suit all the same. So. If you want to file a complaint with TxDOT, if this is not where you want the money to go, I mean, deficit and all, you can do so here.

Dearest Texas, in the immortal words of one Georgios Panayiotou, "If you're gonna do it, do it right." If this is the avenue you want to pursue, if you want to be hailed as a hero of democracy instead of hypocrisy, if you want to do right by your citizens and the almighty buck, you need to go after the countless male artists misusing your motto, immediately, retroactively, and just as relentlessly. Until you have, the work isn't done. If you can't or won't, let it go or be pegged as the most sexist state that ever made it obvious in front of a worldwide audience. 

Up and at 'em! Leave no stone or pocket unturned.

Frisky Friday! We need to talk.

So. You got yourself a partner in life. For life, for now, married, engaged...doesn't matter. You thought the getting part was tricky? Try holding on to one. The chase may be over but the work isn't done. Far from it.

There's a good reason fairy tales fade out at "And they lived happily ever after." The epilogue would read something like this: "And they would have humped happily ever after as well had not his bf had a meltdown, her computer crashed and the car died, their bosses gone on vacation leaving them to do all the work and the baby cried for three years straight." Let's face it, who wants overtime and dirty laundry or diapers in their picture-perfect storybook? Sexy? I think not. Reality? I'm afraid so. End of story? Hardly.

Hubby comes home from work. Without further ado: "You'd tell me if you were unhappy, right?" Well hello to you too. "I'm not unhappy." Level stares all-around. "But if you were. You'd tell me, right?" Well, yeah. "I am not unhappy." As if he's not hearing me, "But if you were, you would tell me, right?"

It turned out a colleague of his was getting a divorce. Or his wife was divorcing him because she was, and I quote, unhappy. According to the man, he had no idea. According to Hubby, the man seemed genuinely shocked, saddened and confused. I don't know them. Without knowing more and assuming the rest, it's hard to say what really happened and when. I'm going to make a bold assumption all the same. It came down to one of three things: a) he was hard of hearing, b) she never said a word, or c) a little bit of both. My second bold assumption: a little bit of both.

Miscommunication or a total lack of communication has to be the number one reason relationships fall apart. You'd think that when two people get together, the hardest part is behind you. You found each other. Now you just enjoy the ride. It can work out that way, but not indefinitely. You have to find each other, find your way to each other, time and time again, or find each other on different planets. It is a conscious, constant effort to grow together, not apart. It can be done. I promise you. You can course-correct. Always.

Everything in writing, relationships, life, boils down to words, speech, expression, delivery, communication. Everything. It's such a cliché, you say? Talk is so overrated? If it were that easy, if opening your mouth and ears was all it took, everybody would be doing it and no relationship would ever fall apart? Turns out not everybody is doing it. Because they are all talked out. Bad listeners. In denial. Busy. Afraid of what they might hear or what could come out of their mouth. My third outrageous assumption: It is just that easy. You speak, and you listen when your partner does. And you pay attention to how you put those words out there. Do I know of a better way? Let me break it to you gently. No.

Don't shoot the messenger, but people can't actually read your mind. Some are more sensitive and perceptive than others, but for the most part, we still have to resort to opening our mouths if we want to get our message out there. It's not fair to your partner, or anyone else for that matter, if they have to pry every thought and feeling out of you. No fair. Keeping them guessing is even worse. You have to volunteer your thoughts or forfeit the right to be hurt by your partner's actions and reactions or lack thereof. Because they can't hear what you're thinking. Because they can only guess at what you're feeling. And when people have to start guessing, that's when not-so-funny things start happening.

Unless you're a total misanthrope, you're courteous to, mindful of and interested in the people you interact with all day long; your boss, colleagues, friends, total strangers. Then you get home and disregard your partner. Because you're all talked out. Because you're tired. Because they're safe, they can take it. You work hard for the money, you need your me time, your hobbies and your friends. Or the end of the day is the only moment in the day when you don't have to talk about anything to anyone after a long day of talking to everyone and their brother mother sister lover. Can't you please have one area, one relationship, in your life that's not too demanding of you? Let me break it to you gently. If it's The Relationship, no.

You have to bring your head and heart home as well, not just a dog-tired body. Yes, I know, it's sometimes too much to ask, and if it's just on occasion that you can't do more than kiss each other goodnight then so be it. But if it's becoming the norm, I'd worry. If you're home and still talking to everyone on the planet except the person next to you, I'd really worry. Believe me, I know, you only want to make everyone happy, and it makes you happy too keeping in touch and saying hello and taking a break from both the job and the family scene, but take care. If you fall asleep with your laptop in your arms instead of your partner, if you fumble for your phone in the middle of having sex because you think it bleeped, you may one day be told to go fuck your gadgets and served with divorce papers the next. (True story, btw.)

You may well wake up next to a stranger one morning, look at them thinking you should probably know them, but they're just not the person they used to be. In all likelihood, they're not. But where were you when they morphed? Not paying attention to everyone except your loved one, I hope? I know. Sometimes nothing you say or do gets through. Not every relationship is salvageable but every serious relationship is worth a serious shot at saving.

You can't outsource happiness. It's not your partner's mission in life to make you happy, it's to be happy alongside you, and until you take responsibility for your actions and words, HEA is not a realistic goal. So. Your next week's mission, should you choose to accept it, is to do an inventory. Pay close attention not only to who you talk to during the week but how, especially at home. If there's not much talking going on, are the silences in your relationship comfortable or awkward? If something has been bothering you for a while, take it up with your partner. Don't start with "You (always...)," start with "I," how you're feeling, what you're thinking. Catch yourself being nippy. What's that all about? So what if you miss the latest episode of whatever one night. You'll miss your partner more when they're gone. Agree that on certain nights the only gadgets allowed in the bed are the ones you purchased and intend to use together/on each other. Okay, stopping now, that's more than one task, that's a blueprint. And the only way I know to keep the boat afloat.

Hey lady, what the heck does this have to do with sex? Have you been listening with your mouths and not your ears open, sweetie darlings? Everything! If you and your partner are not on speaking terms, chances are you're not on fucking terms, either. If all is said and done in your household, good job, enjoy! If the fairy tale has become stale, if sex is the furthest thing from your mind, let's see if we can't do something about it next Friday. Let's see if we can't get in the mood for love. I know one thing that helps. Think sexy thoughts.