Prison break

“Breathe.”
“What?”
“You’re holding your breath. Breathe.”

What? Was I? I was. Lying in bed, trying to sleep, feeling angry and anxious and helpless. Loss, fear, sorrow, rolling in waves. I’m hopeless at helpless, anxious and frightened. They don’t lead anywhere, so I try to channel them into action. But it was time to rest, sleep and recover, not act; so, where do you go, what do you do with those feelings? Apparently, you hold your breath and try not to think or feel a thing until you pass out and wake up and get cracking.

I was trying to get away from the scattered thoughts in my head; bad news I’d gotten from friends; sad news from extended family; will that project ever take flight; so when do they decide on the entrance exam; at least I don’t have to worry about their health, they can’t get sick and die, they’re gone; sour cream! I forgot the sour cream; this is bullshit, the Class of 2020 deserves a party, he has worked so hard, it’s not fair; remember to contact M; should I start with the windows; double-check you did in fact cancel it; it’s embarrassing, we should all be embarrassed we’re living in such idiotic times…and so on and so forth, sweetie darlings. Was my heart racing? No, but my mind was. At the speed of light. I get eerily calm under fire and that allows me to act, but like I said, I was trying to catch some sleep. Did I? Eventually, after some box breathing. Didn’t feel particularly rested in the morning, but I did feel better, on top of things, not like everything was collapsing on me at once.

I’m sure half the planet, maybe more, just feel like escaping; escaping captivity and the feelings it rouses and just feelings in general, and all the negativity and uncertainty and loss and sadness, and the knowledge it’s not your fault but everyone’s responsibility, but you have so much going on already or everything you’ve worked for is gone, and you didn’t do anything wrong at home or school or at work so how is this fair, how is any of this fair, who do we blame and who will fix this, will someone just please fix this…and so on and so forth, dearest denizens. Doesn’t lead anywhere, that train of thought, does it? But here we are, riding it, whether we want to or not.

What do you do to escape those thoughts and feelings, your imprisonment? Do you consume or do you create? (I hope you’re doing a bit of both!) Read or re-read the classics? Poetry or essays? Do you listen to music or podcasts? Garden, exercise, bake, work on home improvement, work on personal improvement, dance, sing, paint, sketch, write? Take virtual museum tours, VR city tours, watch movies, series? Some feel bad not being more proactive and productive. Don’t! There is nothing escapist in escaping into beautiful landscapes (virtual or real life), memories and photos, good music, comfort food, favorite movies and stories. After all, corona is not all there is; doing something soothing, thoughts, hopes and dreams of something else put things into perspective; this too shall pass; I won’t feel like this forever. And if and when you go all-in escape mode…that’s what you need in that moment. We all escape from time to time. No one can bear the weight of the world all day every day; you’d crumble, lose your mind and ability to function.

I hear the young ones planning all the things they’ll do when they’re free to. I think about all the people locked up in their homes, feeling stressed out and uncertain, maybe even afraid. I hope everyone finds a means to escape when they need it. And remember:

The knob is on this side
The knob is on this side
The knob is still on this side of the door.