Oh, the places you’ll go on Netflix. With Netflix. Talking about shows on Netflix. Like Unbelievable. Have you seen it?
It was a miscellaneous group trading viewing recommendations, and it was a revelation of the disheartening kind. And I’m not talking about personal taste in television, I’m talking about a discussion that ensued around sexual assault. If this topic is too raw for you, please feel free to stop reading. If you think this topic has been blown out of proportion and doesn’t merit all the attention it’s getting because it can’t possibly be as bad as advertised, you have never harassed let alone assaulted anyone and don’t know a single guy who would, then you, my friend, should read on.
First, tell me if you agree with the following: Sexual assault is just that. An assault like any other. That is what a gentleman in that miscellaneous group admitted to. He didn’t understand the "fuss” (his word). Why is sexual assault such a big deal? Men get pummeled since the day they enter a playground and take it in their stride. Fact of life: If you’re male, you’ll probably get mugged at some point. Women run the risk of being raped. Same difference.
My heart sank there and then. This is it, isn’t it? The reason for the lack of empathy, the nonchalance. How many men see and think of sexual assault in exactly this way? How many women feel the same? What’s the fuss? Stop fussing. Stop overstating. It’s an assault like any other. It’s just an assault.
Now. Listen carefully. It. Is. Not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. If you have trouble believing women, try finding a man who has been both battered and raped and ask him if it’s the same thing, an interchangeable assault.
I know it can be difficult to internalize something that has never happened to you and probably never will. I know it’s difficult to imagine something as horrendous as rape happening to someone you care about. But if a woman (or man, any fellow human) comes to you with the most painful thing that ever happened to her, I hope your first instinct is to believe her. Maybe you don’t know a woman or girl who has been assaulted, but maybe you just don’t know that you know one. Sexual assault is a highly under-reported crime. The sheer trauma of the event, the knowledge that you will have to relive it and recount it several times if you come forward, makes women and girls think twice. The fear that maybe you won’t be believed, that your every word, piece of clothing and action, past and present, will be scrutinized doesn’t help. The feeling that you will be held accountable until somehow proven otherwise, is too much for too many.
So, women and girls end up suffering in silence, coping. Or not. It’s hard to move on when even the stats say that justice won’t be done. The perpetrator won’t get caught. Or if he is, he will get away with it, or he’ll get a slap on the wrist. What kind of message is that, to victims and offenders alike? What sort of system is this? These are not trick questions. These are questions that remain unanswered, and every yeah-but hurts victims while letting perpetrators off the hook. Nothing justifies or legitimizes rape. A sexual act without explicit consent is not a sexual act, it’s assault. An assault is not sex, it’s just violence. A felony. You know what is unbelievable? That in 2020, it’s still not investigated and prosecuted as such. Without exception. Until it is, women and girls will continue to think twice before reporting these incidents, and perpetrators will keep thinking nothing of it.
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